Guest blog on how you learn values from a part time job

Money was the only motive.  It was the one thing I intended to gain from enduring 6-hour shifts on summer nights at my local Olive Garden™️. At that point, I thought I had my life pretty figured out: good grades, great friends, a clean reputation as an approachable and modest guy who could roll with the crowd, activities that I pursued passionately, and an ability to focus in high pressure situations.  I just needed some spending money.

And then I actually started bussing tables and realized that my outlook was like a soggy breadstick—not technically wrong, but falling so short of the profound reality of the warm, velvety firmness of a fresh breadstick.  I got a lot more than money from my job.  I know, it doesn't sound that enlightening to work at the fine-dining establishment of, well, Olive Garden, but I'll express to you what the boss-man told me: "This ain't no teeny-bopper summer job scooping ice cream!  This is the real deal, baby: Olive Garden, we're an $8 billion company!"  And I must confess, being on the very professional OG Busser Team 3 changed how I viewed high-stakes performance and my own successes.

I thought I knew what humility was.  I didn't.  Humility isn't being really good at something and not talking about it.  Humility isn't being modest or feeling uncomfortable when someone touts your accomplishments for you.  Humility isn't reminding yourself that you are only one person, one regular guy.  What truly humbled me was walking in to my job and finding myself to be the least skilled, the least efficient, the least valuable.  That was foreign to me.  I am often a strong performer in a class, or one of the better musicians in a band; even with sports, I might not have been among the best on every team I’ve played on, but I certainly was not the worst.  Admittedly, I was a rookie busser, but that didn't change the simple truth: I was the worst.  Adapting to that meant completely changing my mindset.  In the beginning, I had to concede that I was the one who needed help and was weakest—and then transform myself from the weak link into a dependable teammate.

I thought I knew what it meant to be so focused, so driven, so desperate to succeed with every fiber of your being... and then clutching it out as if by fate.  I've poured out all the verbal virtuosity I could muster onto an 8.5x11-inch paper in one night; I've radiated laserbeams of concentration with my fingers flying across the keys of my saxophone and my brain 100% locked in; I've summoned every iota of energy on the field or the track in championships. But going to work made me realize that I still knew nothing about delivering under high pressure.  The achievements that are important to me are important - but not as important as the check that the single-mother bartender, Lenaya, is depending on to feed her kids, nor as important as the tip that the waiter at Table 106, James, urgently needs to pay his rent on time, nor the bonus that the 57-year-old busser, Antonios, is so ardently toiling for to pay his daughter's legal expenses for immigration.  The stakes are higher than any championship.  I'd volunteered at soup kitchens and witnessed struggling people right before my eyes, but external views alone don't truly allow single motherhood, rent deadlines, and other real issues to be more than abstract concepts. 

I came to the understanding that the survival of the teammates to my left and right was partially dependent on me, and that made those problems not necessarily more real, but more personal.  Their worries became things that weighed ever so slightly upon me, too, and that's how I gained some empathy, not just sympathy.  The desire to gain my coworkers' respect and trust motivated me more than a biweekly check. I never would've felt that kind of motivation if I "rolled with the crowd" and scooped ice cream with a gaggle of other teenagers.  Olive Garden gave me more than just a paycheck; it added new depth to my values.

a nudge toward honesty

This week I asked my students if I gave them a take home quiz what percent would take it honestly.  I was truly shocked when a student stated 5% would do it honestly.  I was more surprised when some of the best students said that they might look up an answer to a question that stumped them.  WOW was my first thought where have we went wrong.


As usual perspective has a way of shining a different light on the situation.  The next day, when I came down off my high horse, I realized that these temptations come to all of us.  Do I not sometimes think when I am on a diet that I have been good so this one donut would not hurt.  


Why do we waver at certain times?  Rationalization is the reason.  We think that nobody is getting hurt by this, or everyone copies homework if I do not, I will be at a disadvantage.  One of the problems is that if we want something bad enough (like good grades) our reasoning is often biased.


Now I realize that many people think the best way to solve this problem is with the stick.  Yes, punish the people who cheat harshly, and others will not cheat.  However, how do we prevent people from cheating when they cannot be caught.  How do I not eat that donut when nobody is looking?


The answer is you express gratitude.  When you are grateful you not only treat the person, who was nice to you better but you would treat complete strangers better.  In a research study people who thought about a time when they were grateful cheated less.  The more grateful they felt the less they cheated.


Gratitude is an amazing thing.  It makes you happier, nicer, keeps you healthier and now even makes you more honest.  


So, the next time you feel that you the urge to cut corners and cheat, which we all do, just think about something that you are truly grateful about.  This should give you the inner strength to do the right thing even when nobody is looking.

College process-No worries

Last week many of my students gave me positive feedback on my blog about worrying.  As I teach mainly seniors many of them talked about worrying about college applications and the acceptance process.  In response to those concerns I decided to write what seems like my once a year discussion of the college process. 

My first thought don't panic.  I know many students who did not go to their first or second choice of schools and had a great college career.  The truth is that your number one choice is usually not based on a lot of information, maybe a quick visit, your tour guide and the reputation of the school. You probably gather more information on a person who you date for the first time.  I have believed for a long time that the STUDENT is more important than the school.  All schools allow you the opportunity to learn, cultivate your passion and be successful.

Secondly, one of the brightest students I have ever taught was all set to go to NYU to study psychology.  When one day she found out that all her funding disappeared, and she had to go to Towson.  She was angry (read last week’s blog about anger) and went to Towson with a horrible attitude.  After a couple of months, she fell in love with the school and has finished her PHD in psychology. 

Now we must reflect upon the purpose of going to college.  If that purpose is to learn, grow and cultivate your passion you can accomplish that at many different colleges.  Most colleges will allow you to grow socially, emotionally and intellectually.

So take a deep breath and relax.  You will get into college.  Then once you are accepted it is your job to make it the best experience you can make it

Anger

When I was a younger, I often lost my temper.  My father’s response was suck it up or else.  The or else usually forced me to suppress my anger in front of my father.  However, that same anger was often taken out on somebody else.

What causes anger?  Anger usually occurs when someone feels an injustice occurs.  Usually the response to anger is like my father’s response.  There is a threat of discipline, an angry response to the anger or a total disengagement by the listener.  All these responses at the best suppress the anger
.

Now I remember a time during teaching where I was angry at our leadership.  To be fair there were things going on in my personal life that were bothering me, but I thought the leadership was not listening at all to our students.  During a faculty meeting I asked a couple of pointed questions about the topic.  It was the question and the tone that I asked them in that clearly expressed my anger.


The next day the administrator approached me and asked, “are you okay?”  It was not the question that was important but the facial expression and the tone in their voice.  Both expressed I know you are a hurting; how can I help you.


  I now realized that they were listening to me better than I ever thought.  When I heard the response, I could feel the anger leaving my body and a smile came to my face.   There was no longer a reason to be angry as I now knew they were listening.


The challenge then is the next time someone is angry keep engaged in the conversation.  If you can determine the cause of the anger and reply with empathy there is a good chance that the anger will slowly go away.

Happiness through failure-Guest blog

The only way to be happy is to fail.  

But what is that even supposed to mean? 

I believe that one of the secrets of life lies within this apparent contradiction. This truth may not be what you think it is, nor will it be comfortable to attain. Very few people are brave enough to confront this reality, and even fewer have the courage to pursue it. But to do any of this, to find this truth, you have to ask yourself a question: Who am I? 

This is not your college essay prompt. This is not your high-school retreat reflection question. And, full disclosure, it probably won’t make you feel very good either. This is the question you must ask yourself every day when you look in the mirror. Who am I? Who am I right now? Not who I want to be in the future, or who I was before, but who am I now? This is the question that begins your journey to happiness, and by doing this, this is how you uncover where you need to go. Unfortunately, when the vast majority of the population (and often myself included) looks in the mirror, we don’t see ourselves. We see who others want us to be. We see who we think we should be to fit in and to be cool. We see the names that people call us, the suspicions of what other people talk about behind our backs, and we see our past mistakes. 

We see anything but us. A bit frightening, isn’t it? 

Why is this a problem though? After all, you may say to yourself, my life is comfortable, I have friends, and I seem to fit in at school. I’m fine with being the person it takes to maintain what my life is like, even if there is a nagging suspicion it isn’t my own reflection who looks back at me. But, there’s a problem with this thought: if it’s not you that you see in the mirror, it’s an illusion. It’s fake. What we need to understand in a time in which the lives and thoughts of other people are constantly projected onto us is that there is something deeply and fundamentally wrong with not looking at who you really are. To find out if you don’t see yourself in the mirror, you simply need to ask yourself one thing: are you living to make others happy or to make yourself happy? To clarify, there is nothing wrong with cheering people up and helping people. These are extremely noble aspirations. But for a second, you need to be selfish. Ask yourself, “am I living on my own terms? Who is really controlling my life?” 

For me, the answers to these questions were rather uncomfortable. This was not a particularly joyful experience, nor did it make me happy in the moment. I realized that I was taking too much time to worry about what others thought about the choices I made. I worried about how they thought I looked. But what I realized most of all was that my life was a life of fear. To answer the earlier question, I was not living on my own terms, nor was I controlling my own life. Fear was. This is not a fear of ghosts or spiders, but a deep fear of the unknown. This is the fear pervades all of us and is the true force that masks our original selves. What is this unknown though? And why should we be afraid of it? The unknown is rejection. It is a bad grade. It is worrying about what other people think about you. It is a broken relationship, or a barbed comment. It is failure, it is suffering, it is loss. It is anything we think we cannot do. The unknown is a dark place, the place which we would prefer not to go. The unknown sounds pretty bad. Given the circumstances, it seems reasonable to want to avoid it. So why go there in the first place? 

The reason why we must seek the unknown is that while many terrible things lie there, there also lies the potential for something greater. The only way to do something you have never done before is to actually do something you have never done before. For whatever reason, people seem to think that we can achieve greater things while still being comfortable and not reaching beyond ourselves. Why is it that we don’t want to go into this unknown, to go to a place which, by definition, unfamiliar and is uncomfortable to us? The only thing that holds us back from being who we really want to be is fear. Fear stops us from achieving our potential. It is fear that stops us from pushing ourselves a little harder on the next rep or from putting in an extra hour of studying. We fear what will happen to us if we do something that we have never done before. But most of all, we fear failure, of not realizing our full potential.  

I have some good news for you, though: You are supposed to fail. You will fail. You need to fail. You have to fail. 

This is the most comforting news that I have ever received in my life. Now, we have no reason to be afraid of the unknown. We can now dive headfirst into what is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unknown. We no longer have to worry about taking risks or embarrassing ourselves. What’s the worst that can happen? Failure? We’re supposed to do that anyway, so why on Earth would we be afraid of it? By recognizing fear’s effect on our lives, we now have the tools to confront it. It may seem strange to classify every event in your life as a struggle between fear and the unknown, but this is what we must do in order to truly confront our fears. And when we know how to confront fear, we ultimately regain our power of choice. This is scary, and it takes courage. After all, the definition of bravery is overcoming fear. The cost of confronting fear is being uncomfortable, but we gain an incredible treasure: we can live life on our own terms and not be controlled by the external factors of our circumstances. We no longer have to worry about who is better than us or if we are good enough ourselves. When we choose, we get to live as we want and be who we really want to be. 

This is happiness. This is what allows us to look in the mirror and see ourselves. Now, we can know who we really are. 

worry

I remember that I was waking up during the summer feeling kind of anxious and worrying about things.  I found this kind of odd since the summer for a teacher is one generally of relaxation. When I started to walk around, I felt the tension in my body, mostly my shoulders.

So even though I did not feel that I had more to worry about than usual in my life I could feel it in my body.  I have heard many people, including my wife, tell me that you should not worry about things that you can not control but that still did not help me.


I started one morning writing down all the things that I was worried about.  The list contained the usual worries you might have about your kids, family, health, and job.  I then put the list of worries on my calendar dated two months from the date I wrote them.

I totally forgot that I even wrote the list until it turned up on my calendar sixty days later.  As I was going through the list most of the things that I worried about never came to fruition.  I realized that I was wasting a lot of energy on things that never happened instead of putting my energy into things that I could change.


Now I realize the answer is not to worry at all however as an economics teacher I must state that worrying about things you can not control is not a good return on your investment.  Also, when I realized that most of the things that I worry about never happen I could feel the tension leave my body which is truly one of the greatest feelings.


My advice if you find yourself worrying too much is make a list of your worries and then check back on them.  Hopefully you will find the same results as I did.

specialization vs generalization

Specialization?



When I was a young kid you could set the calendar according to the sport we were playing.  As the season changed we went from baseball to football to basketball.  Now however, with the explosion of AAU, Club and travel teams you find that athletes focus on only one sport.  Parents scrambling for scholarships claim that without this total dedication to one sport that you cannot get a college scholarship.  Is this true?

I recently read an article about Roger Federer, arguably the best tennis player of all time.  When he was a young kid he played any game that used a ball.  When he became a teenager, he started to realize that tennis was his best game.  His mother a tennis coach did not want to coach him because he took too many crazy shots.  His father’s input was just making sure he never cheated.

When interviewed Federer claims that the fact he played different sports allowed him to do things on the tennis court that other players could not.  That he was able to take the skills acquired from different sports to produce a great tennis player.  So, while he might have been temporarily behind some of the specialists in certain areas, his creative shot making ability carried him.

Now does that work in other fields.  The answer seems yes.  That while you might be behind on the mundane everyday stuff.  However, when a creative solution is needed it seems that people who have dabbled in different things come to the forefront.  Just like Federer they are able to use the skills and perspectives they have gained from other fields to help solve complex problems.

So, do not be afraid to dip your toe into the water of many different things.  You might cultivate your passion a little later in life but you will bring those many different perspectives to your job which ultimately will make you more effective