My friend and I were having a conversation about politics which then started into a heated debate. When I was going home, I started to think that my friend was a smart guy, he is a nice man and is extremely intelligent. How then can he be so irrational?
At that last line it hit me that he was probably thinking the same thing on his ride home. My mind started to wonder how two people can have such differing opinions.
I called my friend up the next day and asked him did he want to meet again. I explained that I was coming into this conversation with a different mindset. That I was not going to try to convince him that I was right but instead wanted to learn more about his opinion.
My mindset was to approach this conversation with curiosity and listening with no judgements . I wanted to know did he know things about the topic that I did not know? What events or circumstances in his life shaped his viewpoint? How did his view of the facts differ from my view of similar facts?
As the conversation unfolded, I found myself truly gaining an understanding from where my friend was coming from, the facts that he based his opinions on and his life experiences that allowed him to interpret those facts in the manner that he did.
While at the end of the conversation neither of us changed our minds we both now had a better understanding of each other and realized that we were both rational men who through different life experiences interpret events in a different manner.
So, my challenge to you is to the next time you are having a difficult conversation that you participate in the conversation with curiosity.
Asking these questions might help
Does the person know something about the topic that I do not know?
What experiences do they have that are different than mine?
Am I being open minded to new ideas?
Finally, we all go into arguments arguing like we are right, instead go into the argument listening like you are wrong. You might not change each other’s minds, but it will bring you a lot closer as people.
I really enjoyed the topic of today’s post. I found myself in the exact same situation not two days ago. I knew going in that my friend and I would disagree, but I wanted to listen anyway. Furthermore, I knew that I would probably not change my mind. But as we each went back and forth, I noticed him bringing up points that I had not previously anticipated, and likewise for me. I found my own arguments sharpening about things I cared about, and I think that exposing yourself to these kinds of situations and different views challenges us to think more deeply and critically. As we parted ways however, another thing hit me: I didn’t hate him after we disagreed. We both walked away knowing that we thought differently, but we still remained friends. Why? Just because a person believes in different things than you does not mean they are a terrible person. I think this is what our politicians and public figures all miss in today’s polarized political climate. You can dislike the viewpoint, but as soon as you start to dislike the person, that’s when you know you have gone too far. I always try to check myself in this way when I have discussions with people, and I find myself listening and learning more as a result.
ReplyDeleteI agree we will not move forward as a country until we can have civil discourse and approach arguments with an open mind that is willing to change
ReplyDeleteI really agree with what you are saying. A lot of people are so argumentative and have the mindset that they are always right and must convince others who do not see at the same level as them that they are wrong. I think part of becoming not only successful in a business world but in any relationship is to really be personable and understanding with people. Not only will this make them feel more comfortable expressing their opinions, you can also learn a lot from seeing a situation from a different view point which can help you make a decision.
ReplyDeleteI think that difficult conversations are very important. Back in August, I watched a video by Brenee Brown for a class. She mentioned that being vulnerable is extremely important, especially in the classroom. I truly believe that when people are vulnerable, it is easier for difficult conversations to take place. I am a fairly direct guy. I am not great at hiding what I believe. Therefore, I don’t mind difficult conversations because I find that difficult conversations are more efficient at accomplishing an objective than conversations that simply “dance” around the point.
ReplyDeleteChip
I was just thinking about how our brains like to simplify everything into categories of right or wrong, better or worse, rather than allowing space for something to be many things at once. Or rather than just allowing for something to be "different" rather than "wrong" or "worse." If you start from a place of trying to understand someone rather than remaining closed off to the reasoning behind it, you'll usually find that there are pieces this person is taking into consideration that you often don't. From there you can determine if those pieces are fact-based or fear-based, but at the very least you'll have a greater insight into what experiences composes that person's viewpoint.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very difficult topic for me to practice as when I get into a disagreement, I am quick to think of reasons why I am right and how the other person in the disagreement is wrong. Obviously, 99 percent of times the other person in the argument is not gonna budge because of you viewpoints and trying to change the way they think is useless. I firmly believe that if I change the way I view disagreements I will be able to strengthen relationships with those from different backgrounds. Whether it is about politics, schools, or something random, listening to their background story will then allow you to make a logical conclusion and maybe even learn more things about the topic in discussion. Thank you for the tips on how to approach a situation when you are not on the same page as one of your friends.
DeleteJake Bleacher
DeleteJake this is very hard to do, there are times when I have to say to myself listen like you are wrong. Ego in my case often gets in the way but I am trying to get better. It is a work in progress
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