I was reflecting on my first day of college. I was about two years younger than most, socially awkward, no real direction and nobody I knew who navigated college to lean on. At that time, I did not wonder did I belong I was convinced that I did not belong. Many people who are entering these new positions are wondering the same thing, do we belong? Do we belong socially, emotionally and intellectually in this new environment?
Greg Walton, a psychologist at Stanford, has done a lot of work on interventions on social belonging (more here). The first thing to realize is that if you feel you do not belong you are not alone. That while it might seem that others are just blending in better than you, they are just actually better at faking it. That they are sharing the same feelings but just are not allowing you or anyone else see them. Compare yourself to yourself yesterday not to other people who are not you.
The second thing is to realize that the feeling is temporary and will go away in time. On the social aspect it is worth remembering that psychologists estimate that it takes 50 hours of time to turn an acquaintance into a friend. 200-300 hours to turn that friend into a good or best friend. So, if you are worried that you do not belong because you have no friends give it time. The good friends you had at your last job, or your last school did not come overnight. Feel free to use those old friends as a support system as you get acclimated in your new situation.
Realize that we all progress at different rates so do not let anyone else make you feel that you do not belong. For new students in college, be confident in the admissions people who selected you. They had many applicants and chose you. If you are taking a difficult class know that your guidance counselor had confidence that you had the ability to handle such a difficult course. The new opportunity should be viewed as one of growth not one of struggle.
Recently, I had a chance to speak with a former student struggling at a new job. We were able to set up some simple strategies to help them feel like they belonged. They talked to more veteran employees and found that they felt the same way at the start, and they are now thriving
My last challenge is for those experienced people, reach out to the freshman, or the new people on the job. I wish that I had someone reach out to me my freshman year it would have made a world of difference.
I would love to have a guest column! Also I really like the piece about comparing yourself to who you were yesterday. It reminds me of the four agreements with doing your best and how your best differs from day to day and not to be too hard on yourself. -Kirsten
ReplyDeleteMaybe an over simplification, but just hang in there and something good will happen. Especially if you area little flexible. thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI was just talking with a friend about vulnerability, and how much better things would be if people could be more open about feelings of inadequacy or the fear of not being in the right place. Especially with something like starting college or a first job, there's a lot of pressure to be content and yet so much about that experience is overwhelming or unknown. I think it's important to go back to what drew you to that job or school in the first place, and to know that anything can be used as a learning experience, even (and sometimes especially) if it's challenging.
ReplyDelete-Olivia
Olivia, thanks for the response. Vulnerability is so important for individual happiness and success yet it seems that society makes it a weakness. I also agree with you about going back to what interested you in the job or school in the first place. Lastly to truly understand you are not the only one going through it and that you will end up better for it.
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent blog post in that it addresses deep down what so many of us feel but too few are willing to acknowledge. I think that all too often, it is culturally accepted that we should feel intimidated or scared in a new setting or experience and that it is no one else's job to help the newcomer through this time. Yet, attitudes such as this that lack vulnerability ultimately hamper creative thinking and productivity, creating an inefficient place for learning or work. I also especially liked the part about not comparing yourself to anyone else but only to the person you were yesterday, as this is something that people discover too late in their experiences. Self-betterment only arises out self-reflection, and this idea holds a tremendous amount of potential for good.
ReplyDelete-Casimir Pozecki
thanks for taking the time to respond. I think that we have to also get out of the mindset that I struggled thought it so then the next generation should struggle. I want new teachers to have an easier time adjusting then I did and the same for students.
ReplyDelete