I was walking down the hall about to say hello to a student
when I noticed something was wrong. When
I asked him, what was wrong he said, “I had a horrible college interview. I think I blew my scholarship chances and my
parents are going to be furious.” My
first comment was I understand where you are coming from let’s go talk.
After talking with him for 20 minutes I was able to get him
settled down, but I was thinking what are some strategies that he could use if
this happened again.
Self-distancing replaces the first-person pronoun I with a
non-first pronoun you, he. So, when
talking to himself (Steve, not his real name, some of the questions surprised
you, but you will be better prepared next time).
Why self-distancing works is that it allows you to step back
in the heat of the moment. It allows you
to think rationally and give the advice that you would give to a friend. This allows your emotions to cool down.
When emotions cool down you can use Timothy Wilson’s story
editing strategy (more). When you edit your story, it offers a way to
reframe or revise a negative experience.
So, instead of Steve beating himself up over the interview, doubting his
intelligence and getting trapped in a self-defeating cycle. Instead Steve can redirect the story as a
turning point. Steve can now say this is
when he learned how to handle difficult questions and now knows how to better
prepare for the interview process.
Self-affirmation can also be used to offset self-criticism. Instead of beating himself up Steve can think
about things that put him in a good light.
He was one of few even invited for the interview, which was based on
both his athletic and academic ability.
No one intervention works for everyone. Hopefully one of these will work for you if
you are spiraling into one of those negative cycles.
As always your feedback is always appreciated.
I appreciate hearing about this story, however, I find that it is easier said than done to self-affirm after a let down. Say whatever negative thing may happen in the morning, I find it hard to find the motivation to stay positive due to either a lack of energy or I become complacent and just call it a crumby start to the day. I never have thought to try to self-distance, though. I will certainly try to apply this the next time adversity hits.
ReplyDeleteIn society today, adolescents believe that lack of success leads to failure for the rest of their lives. This is far from the truth. Humans believe in the opportunity for second chances. They are forgiving in nature. Instead of staying down in the dumps about a mistake, humans should use it as a tool for growth and learning. Humans should look to understand the mistakes they made instead of being so critical upon themselves. With the new found understanding they have acquired, humans should be able to be successful when their next opportunity that they are destined to acquire comes around.
ReplyDelete- Jacob Snyder
DeleteI think all of these are difficult but worth trying because breaking the cycle of negativity is important. I also agree that we need to realize that we all make mistakes and be kinder to ourselves. Thanks for taking the time to respond
ReplyDeleteWhen in the heat of the moment, it can be very hard to step back and take away positives from a generally "negative" experience. Although it is obviously heart-breaking, I think it is important to experience failure and feel as if you ruined an opportunity. However, at some point it is essential to find positive take-aways from negative experience. The ability to do this comes with maturity and outside guidance, but it will always take time.
ReplyDelete-Mike Campbell
Agree with your statement. What is bad is when you take a failure and then turn it into you being a failure. That is when you need to stop the cycle. Thanks for responding
ReplyDeleteI think self-criticism is a good way to initially react to a bad situation because it makes sure you know exactly what you did wrong. However, to not make the same mistake again, I think self-affirmation or self-distancing is a good way to improve upon yourself. I've always found the transition from self-criticism to self-correction to be difficult. I had never thought of self-distancing but it sounds like a really effective way to make that transition easier. It's always important to learn from failures to become a more well-rounded person and I think self-affirmation is a good first step in the learning aspect of failure.
ReplyDelete-Nick Boehl
I very much find this is true. I always use this method when preparing for a sports game or a big test. I say things to myself like you are going to win this game you will play the best you will ever this is a form of motivation for me. I not only look at it as advice I would give a friend but rathe advice a friend is giving to me because motivation for me always feels best and most effective when coming from another person.-Andrew King
ReplyDeleteAlthough this sounds like a good method in theory, in my experiences i would never do this in the moment. As someone who as anxiety it is very hard think about the situation as it is happening and i often my beat myself up about it afterward. I will start to use this advice now and hopefully find a way to escape these moments -- Anthony Perrera
ReplyDeleteI think reacting quickly in a manner that degrades yourself certainly helps with problems within the moment. However, looking back at the iceberg of success, there is so much that contributes to success, especially that one person on the outside cannot see. Life throws tough events and backspaces on your success, however keeping your head up and focusing on the bigger picture, despite being very difficult truly helps in the end.
ReplyDelete-Travis
I myself and I think many other seniors as well can relate with a scenario such as this. The idea of an interview is quite scary when you think about it at first because it is sometimes an important part of your college application. Back in November during my first interview, it was not exactly did not go so well at first, but I eventually was able to get rid of the nerves and carry on the interview like a conversation. Though I knew that was not the best interview ever, I learned how to better have a conversation and enjoy myself in these kinds of situations and I think my other interviews all went better than the previous after that. The thing about self criticism is that it is good to a certain point, then it just becomes self harming and takes away your confidence. Just like the saying, too much of a good thing is bad for you.
ReplyDeleteMatthew Tao
I feel like self-distancing is a beneficial tactic. It allows someone to see their problem from an outside view and may allow them to think of rational solutions. Self-distancing also seems helpful in the sense that it allows someone not to completely blame themselves in the moment of analyzing their problem. It can give them the chance to see possibly how irrational their worries are and that everything will be okay in the long run.
ReplyDeleteBryce Bailey
Self-distancing can be a really hard tactic in today's society. People are always focused on themselves and they strive to be the best they can be. This can actually hurt themselves. Taking a step back and getting advice from a second party or even self reflection can help. Listing the pros and cons of things (such as college interviews etc.) can honestly help someone self improve. But honestly taking a step out and realizing that nobody is perfect, is a really relaxing feeling.
ReplyDelete-Ben Hooper
I believe that thinking about the positives parts of the interview would help improve your mood drastically. After the interview there is not much you can do about what happened during. instead of Sulking in the negative you should reach out to the interviewers and thank them.Showing positivity and gratefulness could better your chances of being selected for the scholarship.
ReplyDelete-Tony Heidrick
Further reading into Timothy Wilson's interview allowed me to self-evaluate my state of mind and I found it interesting to look over the social experiment that was put in place with the two groups of college students. While college students were used, I feel as though the same reaction would occur with any age group. I can personally empathize with anyone who believes themselves to be lagging behind others, but as I am learning, and as you reinterpreted above, it seems to achieve success is the change your perception of the situation.
ReplyDelete-Kellen
grant M
ReplyDeleteMy response to the blog:
Through sports and school, I have learned not to dwell in the past. Often times when dealing with either a mistake on the filed or a bad grade on a quiz, I would beat myself up and truly give myself the hardest time over something that had already happened. I think being able to step back and look at mistakes as a learning point goes a long way. The concept of self-distancing I something I will definitely try when evaluating a mistake that I will make in the future.
Connor Mitchell
ReplyDeleteI agree with your statement that it is crucial to not only fail every once in a while but to be able to take positives out of the situation is crucial. This is to be true in school and in sports. In lacrosse, you're bound to lose at some point, and the teams that are able to self reflect and take positives out of the lost, and learn from their mistakes, are typically the teams that are still left around come May. In school, your not always going to master every topic you learn immediately, and you may even fail or do poorly on a quiz or test. It is crucial though that you learn why you did bad, but also what you were good at. This lesson applies to all areas of life, and I think it is an essential building tool for young men.
When reading this article, one thing that really stuck out to me was the exchanging of pronouns when retelling the story. If you replay the events in your head as if someone else was living them, you can take a better and more neutral view of the situation. This process also helps to calm you down because when you pretend that someone else is in the situation, it tricks your brain to think that everything is fine on your end and you can act as the advice giver as opposed to the advice taker. By self distancing ourselves from decisions, we can more so act out of thinking instead of acting out of emotion.
ReplyDelete-Harrison Ewing
Similar to self-distancing, I have begun to recognize the importance in the three goods things. Being able to pick out a positive mindset in a situation that could only seem to be destructive is a superpower in itself. It not only helps out the others in the situation, but it develops a better psychology all around. You can't stop the bad things from happening, so why not embrace it to the best of your ability.
ReplyDeleteSAm Vermette ^
ReplyDeleteFailure builds character. No one can succeed forever in life, but at the same time, as people get smarter, better, and stronger, excelling at what you do becomes harder and harder. Some people would say that it's more difficult to get into colleges these days in comparison to decades ago. As competition becomes tougher, failures begin to hurt more. This is more so apparent as people become great at what they do. At the advanced levels of many hobbies and activities, the simplest mistakes can spell out certain doom and failure. People need to learn how to harness this stress, but it can become overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteJohn Basmaci
Being able to change one's narrative relies primarily on being able to overlook your current setback with an optimistic attitude. I do not think this is always plausible, being optimistic and happy about absolutely everything in your life is challenging. Perhaps a better take on the situation is "Steve" struggled with the interview. Based on your last blog struggle is good. Perhaps his struggling through the interview is beneficial and should not be brushed to the side. I do like these blogs, they allow for deeper thought, more so than my ethics class.
ReplyDeleteSam Gallatin
This is such a relateable topic for me. I tend to get caught up in the past without distancing myself to try and do better next time. If I get a bad grade, I tend to wallow in what I did wrong, instead of thinking about what I did right. I never think if distancing myself. It is not my natural instinct. I need to be able to take a step back and calm down from the situation.
ReplyDelete--Will Cook
When applying to High Schools i gave an awful interview and one answer to one question has stuck out in my mind since. I was asked, "What do you want your teachers to know about you?" I responded that i want them to know that i am a dyslexic. The key reason I was applying to the school was for the support system they had for those with learning disabilities. I was unaware that every teacher I would have at the school would already know this as it would be marked on the attendance for every class the accommodations i should receive. The interviewer responded that this information would be already be provided and i was stuck. I could not think of anything else to say and froze. When i cam to Calvert Hall and learned the correct answer in a speech class i also learned a valuable lesson for life. I was taught to not just state your weaknesses, for me dyslexia, but turn them into strengths. I know today that i would answer the same question with, "I would want every teach i have to know i am dyslexic because it makes me work harder than other students for the same grade," this shows both my weakness and a strength in the same answer. This set me up for all my collage interviews and has allowed me to succeed in all of them by knowing to turn my lesser characteristics into positive character attributes.
ReplyDelete- Henry Jones
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the majority of this post and believe that self-distancing can be very beneficial in various stressful situations. In soccer, losses will happen, and these losses are commonly blamed on the goalkeeper. As a goalkeeper myself, I frequently have to use tactics like those mentioned and intentionally redirect stories so that I can learn from them and use them to make myself better. Although self-distancing could potentially be harmful in some cases if it loosened your focus towards a stressful challenge, when coping with negative events it seems to be most often beneficial.
ReplyDelete-Spencer Nattans
I just would like to clarify that none of these strategies is to make struggling easier but to get you away from negative cycling. So if for instance you let up a goal you should think about what you can learn but I do not want you to think you are a horrible goalie.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this post, as self-distancing can be a useful tool to boost self-esteem and confidence when no one else is available to talk to. Whenever I fail, I would mostly talk to my parents, friends, counselors, or anyone else I feel comfortable around, but when those people are not around, I only have myself. Using the self-distancing strategy, I can behave towards myself as if I were one of those people I trust, and I can talk myself out of the emotions that are crowding my judgement. I think that this is a good strategy to use when under immense stress or any other sort of extreme emotion, and I already use it myself.
ReplyDelete-Rishi