Sunday, August 26, 2018

belonging


In the world of education this time of the year is often a new start for many people.  For many students they are entering their first year in college, first year in high school, a difficult class like AP economics or a new school.  For teachers like myself, they are starting at a new school.  Many of us who are entering these new positions are wondering the same thing, do we belong?   Do we belong socially, emotionally and intellectually in this new environment?

Greg Walton,  a psychologist at Stanford, has done a lot of work on interventions on social belonging (more here).  The first thing to realize is that if you feel you do not belong you are not alone.  That while it might seem that others are just blending in better than you they are just actually better at faking it.  That they are sharing the same feelings but just are not allowing you or anyone else see them.

The second thing is to realize that the feeling is temporary and will go away in time.  On the social aspect it is worth remembering that psychologists estimate that it takes 50 hours of time to turn an acquaintance into a friend.  200-300 hours to turn that friend into a good or best friend.  So, if you are worried that you do not belong because you have no friends give it time.  The good friends you had at your last job, or your last school did not come overnight.  Feel free to use those old friends as a support system as you get acclimated in your new situation.

Realize while the new school, class or job might be difficult at first the people in charge thought you were up to the challenge.  For new students in college, be confident in the admissions people who selected you.  They had many applicants and chose you.  If you are taking a difficult class know that your guidance counselor had confidence that you had the ability to handle such a difficult course.  The new opportunity should be viewed as one of growth not one of struggle.

Recently, I had a chance to speak to some experienced teachers at my new school.  They all seemed positive, confident and truly invested in the school.  Talking, in my case, to some veteran teachers, or in student’s cases to seniors, or someone who has taken the difficult class might also provide you with some confidence.  These are examples of people who were in the same situation as you were and are now thriving

My last challenge is for those experienced people, reach out to the freshman, or the new people on the job.  Help them feel like they belong, it will make a world of difference.

As always, your feedback is appreciated.

6 comments:

  1. Hey Mr.Bressler, I'm a lifetime fan of you and your work. I found that being honest with myself is such an easy way to make friends and settle into a new environment. Just moved into College Park and not going to lie, first day I moved in I felt very lonely. The thought of making friends is somewhat intimidating. So, when I met new people on-campus, I vocalized all my insecurities and fears for the upcoming semester. Shockingly, they all laughed and quickly opened up in a way I wouldn't have expected. They too are experiencing what I am experiencing. Everyday I am realizing "honesty" is the remedy for pure & thoughtful (sometimes hilarious) conversation. Everytime I'm honest with myself to others, they reciprocate that honesty back to me. All to often we hide the things we are afraid of... LET THEM OUT! We are far more alike than we are different.

    My challenge to you Mr. Bressler is to jot down a list of all the things you are fearful/insecure/nervous about this year at your new school. Put that list on your big white board on the first day of class for all the students to see and talk about each point on that list. I promise you the honesty and openness of that classroom will skyrocket immediately.



    Adam Martin... aka "If he can pass the AP exams, so can you!"

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  2. thanks for taking the time to reply. I like the idea of putting myself out there on the first day as we talk about how to make our class more vulnerable. Have a great first semester at Maryland.

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  3. Feeling like you don’t belong isn’t limited to first-years! Thinking about them at 200 hours thing... i imagine that could take years to accumulate!

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  4. Also, question for the room: What do you think the difference is between feeling loneliness and feeling like you don’t belong?

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  5. Your blog reminds me of the saying, "don't compare your inside to someone else's outside." It's super easy to think that everyone else is comfortable and has it all figured out, and I think we all need the reminder that that just isn't the case and that we all struggle with feeling like we belong. I really appreciate this post, and the timing at the start of the school year couldn't be better when so many of us are experiencing change.

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  6. Will thanks for taking the time to reply. I love your quote and will use it often. Lisa also thanks for replying. I think of loneliness as how many close relationships you have. Where as belonging might occur just to a certain situation. Does that make sense?

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