Trust

 

In the last couple of weeks, people have asked me how do you find your critical friends.  Who do you know to trust?  When I worked in the business world our company slogan was. “It is the 1,000 little things that make us great” I think it is the same thing about trust, it is the little things that earn trust.

My first day at my present school I was walking down the hall going to my class.  A teacher stopped me and said, “You are going to have a great experience here, let me know what I can do to help you”.  That opening comment started a friendship that to this day is built on trust and mutual respect.

John Gottman (gottman), a psychologist who studies relationships, call these small moments’ sliding door moments.  They are these everyday opportunities in which you can build or lose trust.  I remember when I first heard about sliding door moments I realized how many times things slip away not from being malicious but from being mindless.

I remember one day I started reviews with students at 7:00 AM.  During my off period and lunch, students were in my room for help, and making up some work.  When I was done helping the last student I realized that I had about five minutes to relax before my next class and a review session after school.  As I sat down to relax a student came up to me and asked, “Can you grade my free response now?”

My first response was no.  When I saw the look on her face when the no came out of my mouth I realized I had made a big mistake.  I quickly said, “come back I will grade the free response with you” I will never forget the look on her face as she came back to my desk.  Her face showed me that I made a remarkable recovery and saved this sliding door moment.

Now could I have rationalized that I had been teaching all day?  Of course, nobody would have argued that I did not deserve that five minute break to myself.  However it is these micro moments in which I truly believe that trust is built or broken.  I had built a better relationship with a student and that was certainly worth the five minutes of my free time.

Trust is also never built upon gossip.  While most people love to pass along gossip to each other, friendships that are built upon gossip are very rarely ones of trust.  You cannot help but wonder what do these people say about me when I am not around?  How can I trust someone who reveals others secrets so freely?

Do the big things matter, yes they do.  I have some friends who I will say, this stays in the vault.  Which means what we just discussed stays between us.  Those friends have had many sliding door moments in which they have earned my trust so it is easy for me to become vulnerable with them.

I will close with a quote from Henry Stimson, Secretary of War under FDR, Trust takes years to build, seconds to lose and forever to repair” Make the most of those sliding door moments.

 

As always your comments and thoughts are appreciated.