power of conflict

 The Wright brothers (Wilbur and Orville) were known to get into heated debates as they were trying to engineer the first airplane.  Their debates were so rigorous that at times they would switch and take the other side.  Their argumentative style of discussion is often cited as one of the reasons that they were able to successfully build the first aircraft. 

That makes you wonder if conflict is good in the decision-making process.  Adam Grant, a psychology professor at Wharton, states that it matters what type of conflict.  He differentiates task conflict from personal conflict. 

Personal conflict is the type of conflict most of us do not like.  The debate turns into name-calling and judgment. However, task conflict—if done in moderation—can be extremely helpful.  Task conflict is disagreement about the process, not the person.  It’s when both parties are debating not to win the debate, but to learn more about the process. 

To me, here is where critical friends come into play.  A critical friend is a person who you trust to tell you the truth.  When they disagree with you or provide you with feedback, you know that they want to help you grow, not tear you down. 

Whenever I have an important decision or am thinking about some new ideas, I run them by a group of my critical friends.  I do not always get the feedback I want to hear, but after discussing the idea, I have a much clearer view of what I need to do before I go forward. 

Therefore, the challenge is to put together a list of friends you use when you are in the decision-making process. This group may vary depending on the type of decision, but ultimately the feedback you receive will be beneficial. 

The power of questions

 

 

Recently one of my friends made a statement that I totally disagreed with.  My first thought was to respond “Are you crazy But instead, I asked a series of questions that helped me understand his viewpoint.  What I realized after the conversation is that asking questions has been part of my life ever since I can remember.

In the business world, I would ask questions to find out what was going on in different parts of the company.  I also found that asking questions could provide great feedback.  One of my favorite questions was, “If you were president of the company, what changes would you make?”

I always enjoyed hearing the answers.  People were totally honest and realistic in their suggestions.  And most of the time, I could implement the changes quickly, which made frontline workers feel that they had a stake in the organization. They were also more open to suggest things in the future.

Now, as a teacher, I encourage students to ask questions so that they can gain the knowledge they need to be successful.  Tony Robbins says that “successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.”

You can also ask questions that are transformational in nature.  One of my mentors recently asked me what memories I want to make this year.  They also asked if there was anything I wanted to do but have not yet done. In both cases, they offered their assistance to help me accomplish these goals while pushing me to think beyond my limits.

Questions are a powerful tool in allowing you to be both informed and transformed.  My challenge to all of us is to really think about and ask the type of questions that will make a difference.

Marble Jar

 

Last week, I was having a difficult day at work, which caused me to withdraw some marbles from my gratitude jar. What is a gratitude jar? It’s a symbolic jar in which I put in a marble for everything I feel grateful for each day, so when a hard day comes along, I have built up enough positives to get me through it.

Psychologist Rick Hanson says “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” Our brain’s negativity bias means we remember difficult moments far more than we remember their positive counterparts.

To counteract this negativity bias, I do two exercises. One is writing down three good things each day. At first, it can be difficult to find three good things (there’s negativity bias at work). However, as I trained my brain, it has become easier. What I have realized is that my gratitude jar is filled up, and when an adverse event comes along, I often think about all the good things that have happened to me.

Secondly, I form a T chart of things that energize me and things that suck up my energy. I am energized by learning new things, by teaching students, and by seeing improvement in both myself and others. I try to schedule more of these types of things in my life. On the other hand, I do not like to manage adults. So, when given the chance to chair a committee or head up a project, I politely decline.

The challenge is to focus on what energizes you. Fill your marble jar up with grateful memories that you can save, so they are easy to turn to when you need them. Hopefully, both of these exercises will make you more resilient in the future.