Cheating

 I remember coaching our basketball team during a close game. The ref blew the whistle and signaled a foul on the opposing team’s best player. I jumped off the bench to inform the ref that it was the player’s fifth foul, so he should be disqualified. When the ref checked the home team’s book (which was ours), it showed the player only had four fouls. 

As I was sitting back down, I heard the opposing coach yell to the ref, “Coach Bressler is correct. That was number 24’s fifth foul. You either disqualify him or I will just take him out of the game.” The refs conferred and finally ruled that 24 fouled out. 

I do not think that if the roles were reversed, I would have done the same thing. I would have rationalized it somehow. But that day, I learned an important lesson. In the future, when comparable situations happened, I always thought of this story to help me make the right decision. 

It seems every year I end up writing a post about cheating. Most people rationalize cheating: everyone does it; the homework is stupid; I am not hurting anyone. One problem is, if we want something bad enough (like winning a game), our reasoning often becomes biased. 

Most people think that the best way to stop cheating is to punish people. While punishment often stops the behavior now, it does not necessarily change the behavior when others are not around. Therefore, what can we do? 

Gratitude can help. When you are grateful, you not only treat the person who was nice to you better, but also treat complete strangers better.  In a research study (here) people who thought about a time when they were grateful cheated less. The more grateful they felt, the less they cheated. 

Therefore, the next time you feel that you the urge to cut corners and cheat, which we all do, just think about something that you feel grateful about.  This should give you the inner strength to do the right thing even when nobody is looking.  

Generosity

 Think about it: do you know someone who is always sacrificing their needs for others?  And that made you wish that you were just like them?  Research shows that people who are always sacrificing and not caring about themselves become anxious and depressed.  Selfless students also see their grades suffer, as they are so busy helping everyone else that their own grades falter. 

I am not saying that we should not be generous to others.  However, we have to be generous to others while taking care of ourselves.  It is not about dropping everything all the time for others but helping others to help develop a culture of giving.  It is both prioritizing your needs along with the recipient’s.

   

What might seem counterintuitive is that being less selfless allows you to give more.  By taking care of yourself, you do not let others drain your energy; instead, you continue to be motivated to help others. 

If you do know someone who is always sacrificing for others, you might want to have a talk with them.  While people appreciate their generosity, giving all the time is not sustainable.  Take the time to explain to them that if they take care of themselves, they can better take care of others. 

The challenge now is to not only be kind to others, but also to be kind to yourself. 

college process

  

College Process 

 

This year it seems a record number of students applying to college have been deferred. Schools like Michigan, Georgetown, and Villanova, to name just a few, have received a record number of applications. While being deferred is different from being rejected, it has added a lot of stress to the lives of many of our students. 
 
My first words to you are: do not panic.  I know many students who did not go to their first or second choice schools and had a great college experience.  The truth is that your number one choice is not based on a lot of information—usually only a quick visit and the reputation of the school. You get more information on a first date. I have long believed that the STUDENT is more important than the school.  All schools allow you the opportunity to learn, cultivate your passion, and be successful. 
 
Secondly, deferrals are not rejections, even though they sometimes feel that way to the student. Students often see being deferred as a sign of failure, but the truth is that just being in the hunt is quite an honor.  The top-tier schools get many applications, all of them from highly qualified students. 
 
One of the brightest students I have ever taught went to Towson.  She was set to go to NYU when her funding disappeared, so she went to Towson instead.  She was angry about it and started college with a horrible attitude.  After two months, she loved the school, felt very challenged academically, and has now finished her PhD in psychology.  My point is that you can find your way at any school.  
 
You should think about the purpose of going to college. If it is to learn, grow, and develop your passion, then you can accomplish that at many different schools. Your focus should be on cultivating your passion instead of building your resume. This way you can find a job you absolutely love. 

 

If you want to see what a famous psychologist thinks about college admissions, read here. Alumni who have graduated college or are in college, I would love to hear your thoughts.