The Soul of Empathy
Getting, not taking, perspective
After I buckle my seatbelt and open a book, waiting for the captain to announce our departure, a flight attendant walks down the aisle and, to my surprise, plops down into the open seat next to me.
“I’m flying home,” she explains. “Sometimes my route doesn’t take me back, so the airline flies me on the next available flight.”
A few minutes later, our actual flight attendant approaches and asks if we’d like anything to drink. When he returns with my order, I say, absently, “Thank you.”
But when my seatmate’s order comes, she looks the flight attendant in the eye, smiles, and says, “Thank you so much.”
Maybe they know each other, I think. But as the flight progresses, it becomes obvious that they are no more acquainted than she and I.
And yet, after each interaction, my seatmate locks eyes again, smiles, and says: “Thank you so much.”
When I get off the plane, I think about the difference between her gratitude and mine. I was polite. She was empathic. The difference, I think, was that she
really knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of that “thank you”—and I didn’t.
really knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of that “thank you”—and I didn’t.
This four-minute empathy video created by the Cleveland Clinic begins with this question from Henry David Thoreau: Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? And it ends: If you could stand in someone else’s shoes, hear what they hear, see what they see, feel what they feel, would you treat them differently?
We can all agree, it’s important to increase interpersonal understanding.
Conventional wisdom says that we should try to see things from the other person’s perspective, imagining what it would be like to, say, walk a mile in another person’s shoes. Social intelligence matters.
However, recent research shows that mentally switching roles doesn’t work nearly as well as we might think. There’s little point to my guessing what it might feel like to be a flight attendant. Instead of imagining how other people are feeling, says psychologist Nick Epley, simply ask them directly. It’s less about perspective taking, more about perspective getting.
Don’t assume that you can easily switch perspectives with another person.
Do ask people how they see things and show them, by listening intently, that you really want to know.
I have never thought of this. I do feel like there is a difference between the two responses. Saying thank you is polite and people just say it because it shows good manners. The way the flight attendant looked into their eyes and made sure they knew she was thankful for their service is much different. She did not just say it to get it out of the way. She said it because she wanted them to know she was truly thankful for what they did. This probably meant a lot to the attendant on the other end. I also think it is interesting to not imagine yourself in the other person's shoes and instead just ask them how they feel. This makes you know exactly how they feel instead of assuming how they feel.
ReplyDeleteKyle Zimmerman
Nice guest blog! Her words are very powerful. I think everybody should read this blog. So often, everybody (including myself) become so focused on our own needs and desires, that we forget about others around us. I work in retail and when customers get irritated, they take it out on me (a cashier). I don’t take it personally because I know that they are mad at the price tag or at a policy, and not really me. I try to be empathetic because I have had plenty of bad days and understand sometimes people just need to drop their bad day on someone else. And to be honest, I’m fine with them ranting if it will make them feel better. But my favorite customers are the empathetic ones. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have demands (like double paper bags inside plastic bags), but if there is a mistake, they politely tell me or ask me about it—instead of creating a scene over one little thing. When this happens, I always thank them for their patience and for them being so understanding.
ReplyDeleteChip
Putting things into perspective is a very difficult task to accomplish. Like she says, she is unable to truly understand the difference between “thank you” and “thank you so much” to a flight attendant without experiencing it herself. Trying to see things from a different perspective has not been easy for me, especially when I am in disputes with my dad. He always tells me that I will never understand his thought process until I am a parent making decisions about my own kids. This is difficult to grasp as I imagine myself in my dad’s shoes, but still do not come to the same conclusion as he did. In terms of manners, whether it is talking to a cashier, waiter, or flight attendant, the extra demonstration of appreciation can go a long way.
DeleteJake Bleacher
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