Climbing the ladder

A former student reached out to me this week and it triggered a conversation we had many years ago. 

 She had just been accepted to her dream school (Ivy League) when she asked me after class could she talk to me after school.  


When she came into my class after school, she started to tell me that she has hated school for as long as she could remember.  That her parents had instilled in her that if you get good grades you will get into a great college.  So even though she hated school, she continued to work hard to get into her dream school which she thought would bring her happiness.


She then explained when she was accepted to her dream school how tears of joy rolled down her cheeks.  All that hard work paid off and it was worth it.


The next day however, when she woke up, she was no longer happy.  She came to realize that college was going to be the same as high school.  She was going to have to focus on grades so that she could either get into grad school or get a good job (high paying).


You could see the sadness in her eyes when she asked me, “How do you get off the treadmill?  I paused for a while since this is not the conversation, I thought we were going to have.

My response to her was that you needed to change your mindset about college.  It can not be about getting to the next step but instead it should be about cultivating your passion.  If you enjoy certain subjects take some more courses to either cultivate the passion or to find out that is not what you want to do.


We both then continued to discuss that there are many successful people in the world that work extremely hard at their job.  That if you want to be happy you needed to find something that you were passionate about, so you were enjoying your work and not doing it for some end goal which just lead to another goal.


When she came back to visit throughout the years you could see the change in her body language.  No longer tense but more relaxed, smiling more often and truly seeming to enjoy life. 

The challenge is to find things that are meaningful and enjoyable to you.  When you are doing work that you are passionate about you do not feel like you are on the treadmill at all.

Tribute to Dad

I know when I heard that my father died, I did not really want to do anything.  I did not want to grade papers, nor did I want to prepare lessons or even write this blog.  I was encouraged by my Principal, Assistant Principal and Department Chair to take time off.  So, it would be easy to put everything aside and do nothing.


Then I heard my dad’s voice saying the difference between good and great is what you get done when you have the screw it’s.  I certainly had those now.


A favorite example was Eddie Murray the great Oriole first baseman.  That during one season Eddie lost his mom and younger sister.  Despite personal tragedy which ripped him apart emotionally, Eddie went on to have an MVP caliber year.  That Murray’s focus was even greater that year than most is a tribute to the type of person he was.


My Dad was trying to teach me what Angela Duckworth now calls GRIT.  That no matter what, life is going to have its downturns.  What truly matters is how you bounce back from adversity.


Also remembering my Dad saying, “Actions speak louder than words” I started grading my papers, preparing my lessons, teaching with the same enthusiasm I do everyday and even writing this blog.


Dad just wanted you to realize that you inspire me today like you do every day.



With love in my heart and the deepest appreciation,



Your Son.

Difficult conversations

My friend and I were having a conversation about politics which then started into a heated debate.  When I was going home, I started to think that my friend was a smart guy, he is a nice man and is extremely intelligent.  How then can he be so irrational?


At that last line it hit me that he was probably thinking the same thing on his ride home.  My mind started to wonder how two people can have such differing opinions.


I called my friend up the next day and asked him did he want to meet again.  I explained that I was coming into this conversation with a different mindset.  That I was not going to try to convince him that I was right but instead wanted to learn more about his opinion.


My mindset was to approach this conversation with curiosity and listening with no judgements .  I wanted to know did he know things about the topic that I did not know?  What events or circumstances in his life shaped his viewpoint?  How did his view of the facts differ from my view of similar facts?


As the conversation unfolded, I found myself truly gaining an understanding from where my friend was coming from, the facts that he based his opinions on and his life experiences that allowed him to interpret those facts in the manner that he did.


While at the end of the conversation neither of us changed our minds we both now had a better understanding of each other and realized that we were both rational men who through different life experiences interpret events in a different manner.


So, my challenge to you is to the next time you are having a difficult conversation that you participate in the conversation with curiosity.  


Asking these questions might help

               Does the person know something about the topic that I do not know?

               What experiences do they have that are different than mine?

               Am I being open minded to new ideas?

Finally,  we all go into arguments arguing like we are right, instead go into the argument listening like you are wrong.  You might not change each other’s minds, but it will bring you a lot closer as people.

gratitude letter

My favorite assignment I give all year is asking my students to write a letter of gratitude to someone and then read it to them.  Any assignment that I give my students I do myself.  So, it became clear to me that I needed to get on a plane to read my letter of gratitude to my father. 

Dear Dad, 

I am truly thankful for all the support you have given me throughout my life.  When I was younger you let me try things even though you knew they were not going to work.  You realized that there were times that I just needed to learn on my own and could (or would) not take the advice of a more experienced person.  You never said I told you so when I failed but were there to support me and make sure that I learned from my mistakes 

You taught me that winning was a good thing but loving the journey was the more important thing.  How to make the boredom of practice fun by making it somewhat competitive.  I was able to take that with me even in the pizza business when we had contests who could fold boxes the fastest or could we answer every phone call in one ring.  It still makes me smile to picture people sprinting to the phones to get them in one ring. 

You made me realize that money was not the important driver of the world, but people were.  In business my two driving practices were to take care of our people and customers better than anyone else in the world.  I think what allowed me to focus this way was that I was never driven to make a lot of money.  Family and friends were what was important to you and rubbed off on me. 

Thank you most importantly for your unconditional love 

With deep appreciation and gratitude. 

Please do not miss the opportunity to tell your friends and family members how much they mean to you.  Just make the call, send the card or a text.  Do not worry if it is worded perfect the receiver will most definitely appreciate the thought. 

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. 

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The Soul of Empathy

Getting, not taking, perspective

October 20, 2019 | Gratitude, Social Intelligence

After I buckle my seatbelt and open a book, waiting for the captain to announce our departure, a flight attendant walks down the aisle and, to my surprise, plops down into the open seat next to me.

“I’m flying home,” she explains. “Sometimes my route doesn’t take me back, so the airline flies me on the next available flight.”

A few minutes later, our actual flight attendant approaches and asks if we’d like anything to drink. When he returns with my order, I say, absently, “Thank you.”

But when my seatmate’s order comes, she looks the flight attendant in the eye, smiles, and says, “Thank you so much.”

Maybe they know each other, I think. But as the flight progresses, it becomes obvious that they are no more acquainted than she and I.

And yet, after each interaction, my seatmate locks eyes again, smiles, and says: “Thank you so much.”

When I get off the plane, I think about the difference between her gratitude and mine. I was polite. She was empathic. The difference, I think, was that she
really knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of that “thank you”—and I didn’t.

This four-minute empathy video created by the Cleveland Clinic begins with this question from Henry David Thoreau: Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? And it ends: If you could stand in someone else’s shoes, hear what they hear, see what they see, feel what they feel, would you treat them differently?

We can all agree, it’s important to increase interpersonal understanding.

Conventional wisdom says that we should try to see things from the other person’s perspective, imagining what it would be like to, say, walk a mile in another person’s shoes. Social intelligence matters.

However, recent research shows that mentally switching roles doesn’t work nearly as well as we might think. There’s little point to my guessing what it might feel like to be a flight attendant. Instead of imagining how other people are feeling, says psychologist Nick Epley, simply ask them directly. It’s less about perspective taking, more about perspective getting.

Don’t assume that you can easily switch perspectives with another person.

Do ask people how they see things and show them, by listening intently, that you really want to know.

Should we spend money on high school sports and extracurricular activities?  That was the discussion (which turned heated) I was having with one of my friends.  His main argument was why waste the money on these extracurricular activities when most students do not even pursue them in college. 

While I agree with my friend that most students would not become college athletes, I still think the main reason for extracurricular activities is the transferable skills you can learn 

My first argument was that in most sports and activities students learn that repetition is important in requiring success.  That they need to practice getting better and that while they are practicing, they are benefitting from the feedback provided by their coach.  That repetition and feedback is a key to learning.  

Secondly, you learn how to deal with failure.  In baseball for example the best hitters fail 6 out of ten times.  Most athletes go through a period in which they are forced to learn from their mistakes in order to improve as a player. These activities teach you that it is okay to fail and how to bounce back up. 

Thirdly, these extracurricular activities often allow students who struggle in school to shine.  Giving students a place in the school house in which they feel good about themselves.  These activities are often the seeds in which their passion grows. 

So, we do not have high school sports or extracurricular activities to win championships.  Instead these activities are put in place so our students will learn transferable skills that they can use in school and throughout their life.  As coaches and teachers we must make sure that the emphasis is not only on winning but on development of life skills.